WWE Champion John Cena vs. Ryback (Last Man Standing Match for the Title)
The only gimmick I can’t stand more than Fandango right now is Ryback. This guy has never done anything good, couldn’t win the title as a face, so now they’ve turned him heel in the worst of possible scenarios. On top of that, his new heel catchphrase of “Ryback Rules” was clearly stolen from “Billy Madison”. Does this match matter even? Is WWE just giving John Cena a night off until they can come up with a better contender? But that’s just the point—who else is there for Cena? Big Show? Jack Swagger? Randy Orton? Mark Henry? Zach Ryder? That kid in the third row in an old Cena shirt because his parents paid for pay-per-view tickets so they can’t afford the new Cena shirt?
Winner: John Cena, because he is a machine and Ryback is a third gimmick loser. Does it matter how he wins? Ryback should gas out after ten minutes.
Brock Lesnar vs. Triple H (Steel Cage Match)
Since coming back to WWE, Brock Lesnar has lost once to John Cena and twice to HHH. Yes, Brock Lesnar is the biggest, baddest, most office destroying monster on the planet… who is 0-3 and if he was in UFC still he’d be released from his contract by now. HHH needs to go do the corporate thing, yet he just cannot seem to go away. Why do they keep bringing back the face of WWE (HHH) to defeat what they feel is the face of UFC (Lesnar)? In four matches since his return, Brock Lesnar will have had three of them against the same opponent. Wouldn’t it be better for business for him to have, you know, a new opponent? At this point in time, Brock Lesnar has already lost to HHH twice. This would be the rubber match, except Lesnar doesn’t have a win against HHH. If Lesnar wins, HHH can still say, “Yeah, but I’m still 2-1 against you, so I win the series”, so really what is the point of this match?
Winner: HHH sets Brock Lesnar up for the Pedigree and win. Just then, the ring cuts open (This match be last) and out comes Randy Couture to make the save. Lesnar gets the pin and finally the win. Randy Couture brags about being in a movie with Batista.
Alberto Del Rio vs. Jack Swagger (#1 Contender to the World Title / I Quit Match)
These two guys had a match at Wrestlemania. And no one cared. Jack Swagger lost, though it seemed like he was being pushed to win. Then Dolph Ziggler cashed in his Money in the Bank contract, won the World Heavyweight Title and then suffered a concussion which got him pulled from the threeway ladder match they had been building toward. So mainly, we’re looking at a second match when we could have just been done this feud by now. Does it matter who wins this? Will the loser still somehow get back into the match and give us the promised threeway once Dolph is better? I bet so.
Winner: Jack Swagger has Alberto Del Rio defeated. In his native tongue of Spanish, Del Rio says he quits. Though he technically doesn’t say “I Quit” in English, so the match continues until Jack Swagger kills the referee, Ricardo Rodriguez, Zeb Coulter and the entire Spanish announce team. No contest because they do have a schedule to keep.
Mark Henry vs. Sheamus (Strap Match)
The only thing that could be worse than this would be if instead of a “Strap Match”, this for some reason was a “Strip Match”. Mark Henry is pissed, but he’s not really winning since making his comeback. Sheamus is just drifting along until the future becomes today.
Winner: Mark Henry with the help of his Hand-Son with Mae Young (Russo Swerve Surprise Attack!)
Big Show vs. Randy Orton (Extreme Rules Match)
I’m not sure which is worse: Having no stipulation when the pay-per-view is supposed to be without rules or having your stipulation being the name of the pay-per-view. Here are two wrestlers that WWE has no idea what to do with. They’ve run out of opponents and even facing each other still seems pointless. Big Show goes from this terrifying monster heel (not really) to a fun loving face, but either way he’s usually on the losing end of the match and has had no real direction in his character since he debuted some odd years ago. On the same side, we have Randy Orton… I read this comparison once about Chris Benoit, and I think it was the mighty Derek Burgan who said it, but forgive me for paraphrasing when Burgan said that Benoit was “on a treadmill to nowhere”. I feel like Randy Orton isn’t even moving on a treadmill but rather is waiting in line at the DMV or something worse. The career of Randy Orton has simply stalled.
Winner: Let’s say Big Show, so he can keep some heel heat and maybe lead us into another pointless Big Show vs. ADR feud if Jack Swagger wins the #1 Contender match. (Which I don’t predict he will, but who knows how WWE thinks, right? It’s WWE, it doesn’t have to make sense)
Chris Jericho vs. Fandango
I don’t get Fandango and I don’t care. This match happened at Wrestlemania and now Chris Jericho has stuck around to further try and develop a star who may or may not ever get off the ground. Worst of all, this match doesn’t even have a stupid stipulation. If Chris Jericho is going away to tour with Fozzy, then it makes no sense for him to win this match. Though that’s what I said for the Wrestlemania predictions. But it doesn’t make sense that Chris Jericho is working with a guy who won a show that no one watched, didn’t get his tag team title shot and then poured milk over his head when no one cared, all the while Antonio Cesaro goes unnoticed.
Winner: Chris Jericho so Fandango can just go.
WWE Tag Team Champions Team Hell No vs. The Shield (Texas Tornado / Tag Title Match)
Wouldn’t it be awesome if all three members of The Shield, who are more or less undefeated (They win more than lose, which is more than I can say for most in WWE) were to hold gold? I think this would be the time to do that because not only are The Shield hot but it’s time for Kane and Daniel Bryan to go their separate ways.
Winners: Roman Reigns and Seth Rollins are not having their debut action figures released together while Dean Ambrose has his alone by coincidence. The Shield will all wear gold by the end of this pay-per-view.
U.S. Champion Kofi Kingston vs. Dean Ambrose (U.S. Title Match)
Why doesn’t this have a special stipulation? Probably because everyone knows that Kofi Kingston will lose, so why much things up by making it a ladder match or something else. When people complained that Antonio Cesaro seemingly lost the U.S. Title randomly to Kofi Kingston (who has a winning and losing streak in WWE), now they realize it was only done to put the title on another heel, as Cesaro vs. Ambrose wouldn’t have made sense. Much like Jay Briscoe, Kofi Kingston is a transitional champion… sigh, again.
Winner: If this goes on before the tag title match- and it should because Kofi wasn’t even on the Wrestlemania card this year- I expect the rest of The Shield to get involved. They may not actually knock Kofi out or anything, but they could at least distract him to help give Dean Ambrose the win. Either way, Ambrose is going over and then a pissed off Antonio Cesaro is coming out to fight for the U.S. Title. When The Shield gang up on him, we get a debuting Chris Hero and the Kings of Wrestling are reborn because WWE wants to re-establish their tag team division, right?
The Miz vs. Cody Rhodes
This match has been restricted to the pre-show and given no real stipulation. Should anyone care about it when both wrestlers involved are often on the winning or losing end? It’s become so interchangeable that I doubt either man picking up a victory puts them in line toward… not being a jobber?
Winner: When Damien Sandow tries to interfere on behalf of Cody Rhodes, John Morrison makes his surprise return to WWE to help out The Miz. Teddy Long predictably makes a tag team match for Extreme Rules and the PPV is looking like it could be full of surprises.
From This PPV We Are Missing: The recently returned Sin Cara, The IC Champion Wade Barrett, Antonio Cesaro, R-Truth, Justin Gabriel, 3MB and JTG. No one will miss Brodus Clay & A-Train, Khali or the women’s division.
