Thursday, February 20, 2014

The Elimination Chamber is a Toilet [Elimination Chamber 2014 Predictions]

Elimination means waste, the chamber could be the toilet for it.   Think about it.  On with the first predictions/thoughts for 2014.

Cody Rhodes & Goldust vs. Ryback & Curtis Axel (pre-show match)

                Since this is on the pre-show, it shouldn’t really matter, but it does kind of make me wonder since Mark Henry returned if he’s going to bring back his tag team with Big E.   I always feel that WWE should start things on a positive note, so a Cody Rhodes & Goldust win here would be ideal.   Plus I have no idea what the benefit of the heels winning would be as they are mostly forgotten otherwise.


Winners: Cody Rhodes & Goldust by default


Darren Young vs. Titus O’Neil

                The measure of WWE’s tag team division can be found in the fact that while WWE has placed some guys together, fans still don’t care and really don’t feel compelled to choose a side.  Should Jack Swagger and Cesaro break up, I could see Cesaro making a good face.   Goldust and Cody Rhodes may or may not be able to exist on their own, but this feels a lot like what would happen if Ryback and Curtis Axel broke up, though fans have already had enough chances not to care about them.

                WWE simply should have invested more into these characters before splitting them from their tag team because now it seems like no matter who wins or loses this match, both men become losers as they fade into mid-card oblivion where you wonder whether or not they’re still employed.

                Someone really needs to make a chart as to how often superstars are seen on WWE television, with JTG being the lowest on the scale or “hardly ever seen” and then someone like Dolph Ziggler or Fandango becomes “slightly utilized” because we see them sometimes but they’re doing anything regular.

                I expect both of these guys to go into the territory above JTG (They won’t just sit home and collect paychecks) but below Dolph Ziggler as if you don’t watch Main Event or Superstars, you’ll most likely never see them again until the annual Smack Down backstage Thanksgiving skit.

Winner:  Darren Young, because he can’t be buried completely 


Batista vs. Alberto Del Rio

                For reasons no one is really sure of, Alberto Del Rio was quite upset that Batista came back and he has been very vocal about it.  This is leading to their match at this pay-per-view, sure, but the faith we should have in ADR picking up a win here rests in the fact that the title shot at Wrestlemania isn’t even on the line here.

                Also, Batista needs to look good (and stay protected) going into WMXXX, so why not defeat a former World Champ who, you know, I don’t know… hasn’t had a meaningful feud or win since Dolph Ziggler was relevant.

Winner:  Batista by a landslide 


Big E. vs. Jack Swagger (Intercontinental Title Match)

                What’s interesting about this match is that on the same night we have Cesaro going for the big gold, Jack Swagger is going for the smaller gold and, well, they are a tag team and have been known to go for tag team gold.  

                Either I had the idea or someone proposed it somewhere that Hulk Hogan joins John Cena to fight The Real Americans in a tag team match at WMXXX and I think that’s our best bet here, so let’s have Big E. retain and other events unfold later in the show.

Winner: Big E, because you want to see him unleash his giant moobs.


New Age Outlaws vs. The Usos (Tag Team Championship Match)

                All too recently, I’ve sat through far too many boring matches on Raw involving the New Age Outlaws.  I remember the Outlaws being exciting and just having all out brawls with other tag teams.  They had a dumpster match against Cactus Jack and Chainsaw Charlie!

                Yet now, the highlights of their matches seem to be whining and rest holds.  How did they get back from TNA into WWE? 

                The Usos are a hot tag team right now- perhaps the hottest in all of WWE- and the guys who look like mini-Rocks have a great high flying style that I enjoy watching more than not and would love nothing more than to see them dethrone the NAO.

                But that isn’t going to happen tonight.   No, I expect some sort of tag team gauntlet or clusterfuck coming into WMXXX that will have The Usos finally win the gold because if not, then I mean, what will they do at ‘Mania??

Winners:  New Age Outlaws… for now.

Randy Orton (Champion) vs. John Cena vs. Daniel Bryan vs. Sheamus vs. Christian vs. Cesaro Elimination Chamber Match for the WWE World Heavyweight Championship

                Randy Orton faces five different opponents and I’d love to say that one of these guys defeats him, but I find that to be rather unlikely.  Sure, a Daniel Bryan/Batista match up, with the Authority backing Batista, would be insanely awesome… or at least better than Orton/Batista crapfest we’re being taunted by, but I don’t really think WWE is going to try and change the WMXXX main event following the Royal Rumble, no matter who walks out of the locker room.

                On some level, I would actually enjoy seeing John Cena win this match and presenting John Cena vs. Batista at WMXXX because right now anything is better than Orton/Batista.   What I find funny, and what I was thinking about most recently, is how WWE seemed to have a plan set back at Summerslam and they dropped the ball on it.

                Daniel Bryan defeated John Cena for the title only to be quickly defeated by Randy Orton.   Had John Cena avenged his losses to Randy Orton at the Royal Rumble, and Daniel Bryan won the match, then we could have easily seen the Summerslam rematch, with a Bella in each corner, that would have been the hottest Wrestlemania match since Hogan vs. Warrior or The Rock vs. Austin when both were faces.

                So like they do, WWE dropped the ball and I don’t expect them to pick it back up here.  John Cena will go off to do something else at WMXXX, most likely being eliminated in this match by Cesaro to set up that angle for WMXXX.  (Cena calls out Cesaro on Raw, both Real Americans attack Cena, Hogan makes the save)

                Likewise in that scenario, Cesaro won’t be winning this match but will have an impressive show and most likely do the brunt of the work.   At some point in time, though it is still unknown when, I hope WWE has another MITB ladder match, Cesaro can win that and have his first championship reign as a heel, complete with Jack Swagger tension.

                Sheamus and Christian both just returned and are both lucky if they even get on the WMXXX card, so let’s move past them as they’re basically guys who you might think will win but probably won’t.   You’re not going to put Zach Ryder or Santino in this match, but both probably have about as much of a chance as these two do.

                That leaves Daniel Bryan and what he will do at WMXXX.  I really don’t know.  Could Brock Lesnar enter the chamber and destroy Bryan, setting up a match for them for WMXXX?   Oh wait, no, that’s right.  Daniel Bryan has to fill the CM Punk void, so he’ll be facing HHH at WMXXX.   Hooray!

                Orton and Bryan will be the last two, naturally, and The Authority will cost Daniel Bryan the match, which will push him to the point where he calls out HHH for WMXXX. 

Winner: Randy Orton, and the song remains the same


The Shield vs. The Wyatt Family

                The Shield came into WWE as one of the hottest acts and quite frankly, they’re still a really hot act.    Not that long after, The Wyatt Family debuted and generated seemingly just as much buzz.   Fans speculated on the internet as to what would happen, as these two factions were both being presented as heels, and why they couldn’t face off because of it.

                Without turning either faction into face mode, WWE has found a way to make them fight and to make it seem like just an amazing concept, something that I don’t think anyone in the realms of WWE has been this excited for since… Umm… Maybe since CM Punk did something?

                What you have to remember about this pay-per-view are two things.  First, it is the last pay-per-view before Wrestlemania, but it is not Wrestlemania.   And second, this is the last pay-per-view WWE will produce for the foreseeable future that will not be available live on the WWE Network.

                If WWE ever felt the need to flip the middle finger to cable and satellite providers, putting on a less than adequate pay-per-view here could do the trick.   Let’s face facts, WWE has been able to put on regular suckfests even when they were supposed to be worried about buyrates, so this shouldn’t be that much of a problem for them.   Also, it’s nothing that can’t be salvaged by a huge Raw the night after.

                All that being said, there is no reason to break up The Shield.  The Shield members do not need to face off against each other at WMXXX to have a place on the card because, well, how about we just do this match again on the grandest stage of them all?    Really, I’m thinking about it from not only a storyline standpoint, but also from a business stance. 

                Here is a match that is more anticipated than the main event—the main event that the pay-per-view event is named for mind you—and you think WWE will squander that moment by having The Shield break up?  While I wouldn’t put it past them, I certainly would hope they’d give it a second thought.

                These six men are not going to be easy to contain.  There is no practical reason why their first encounter needs to end in Roman Reigns turning on Dean Ambrose, hitting him with the spear and the Wyatts win.   There is no reason for that.   Just make this a melee.  Just have it be an all out war.

                In the end, the refs won’t be able to stop the carnage or keep control in any sense of the word really, and the match is thrown out.   No contest.   Bring out the suits and Jamie Noble, do the pull apart and send the two factions to the back so they can bring out the next miserable match.

                The aftermath of this, of course, involves these two teams fighting again at WMXXX only under  a different set of rules.  Put them in a cage?  Give them a no DQ match?   Give them a special enforcer?  I’d look to call someone like Mick Foley or Steve Austin, but I think Foley might be your man here.

                Yeah, give these two a rematch at WMXXX.  No DQ.  Special Guest Enforcer/Referee Type Guy: Mick Foley.  If you’re going to turn Roman Reigns, at least wait to do it until then.  


I will return with WMXXX predictions as that card takes shape and until then hope that some kind folks put WWE pay-per-views on YouTube for free because, well, you'll have The Network.

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